Rebuilding Trust In Your Marriage
We took a week off for a much needed vacation. You can read about it in my next post. We are back and well rested! Did you miss me!? lol
I came back wanting to talk to you about trust. Trust is something that I struggle with tremendously. Not just in my marriage, but in all of my relationships. Yes, I have issues y'all. But this is a no judgement zone and we are going to be real about this thang.
I would like to consider my marriage to be solid. My husband has never cheated and never gave me a reason to feel that he has. So we are not talking about trust due to infidelity here. We are talking about TRUSTING period. So I want to tell you a story about how my trust issues began in my marriage.
Back in 2007, when I married, I was a confused. Before marriage, I knew that Ashon was my husband before the courting process started, but still felt that we both needed time before jumping in. When he proposed to me, Ashon was planning to attend law school. Not really knowing where, we had our eyes on the University of Florida. It was simple. We both discussed that he would attend since he’d already received his Master’s Degree there and we both were very well established in Gainesville. The simple choice was to stay put and that’s what we agreed to do.
He applied to University of Florida, Creighton, Hofstra and University of Denver and was accepted to all of them. He was put on a waiting list at the University of Florida. Even then, I knew he would be accepted to UF so I didn’t feel the need to worry.
Ashon didn’t want to wait. He had offers. But my hope was leaning towards UF. I knew that UF was his top choice but I could tell he was devastated to not have been chosen immediately. After discussing it with his parents, he chose Hofstra in Hempstead, NY. He proceeded on and paid the necessary fees and accepted their offer. A few months in, he received notice that UF had in fact, offered him a seat. I was stoked and I knew he would accept the offer at UF.
He declined it and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why. I asked him. He said he had already accepted his seat and paid the fees to attend Hofstra. WHAT?! In my head, that was the craziest thing I had ever heard. I said but you ARE HERE! Like, right here at UF!! Why would you pick up and leave and move to and other part of the country? The money that you lost can be made up by not moving. And that's when he said it... He said, "I just want to go".
He actually wanted to go.
From the conversations that we've had in the past, he only expressed to me that he wanted to attend UF. So there it was, he made the decision to go as a single man. An unmarried man. A man who I then felt, didn’t have any clue what he wanted. So how can you say you want to marry me and not consider me when making such a big decision? There was no way, at that point trust him to make decision for me or my son. All the trust I had in him was gone.
ME: Am I to leave my support system, and move across the country to be with a man who had no idea how to make a sound decision or even keep his word?
I made it clear that I was not to leave and move away. And told him that we would have a 3-year engagement until he completed law school. Long story short, he left and I was devastated. Why? Because he allowed outsiders to come in and influence his decision.
His immediate family.
The trust that was lost was the beginning to a 10-year battle.
So how do you overcome a year struggle of trust issues? Take my advice and deal with it as soon as possible. Don’t allow it to grow and fester into bitterness and resentment.
Remove all outsiders who don’t have your best interest at heart – as one. This alone keeps confusion out of your marriage. This is where it all starts. Your spouse should know that they can count on you. If you are committed to a decision, stick to it. That may mean not talking about it with others outside of your marriage. You’ll often find a ton biased opinions. Most of those opinions won’t be fair to your spouse. If you read Matthew 19:6, Jesus addressed this when he said that no one was to ever come between a husband and a wife. No one! And no thing. No mother or father was meant to divide the covenant with each other. Failure to shift your loyalty, especially if the other spouse has done so, will cause issues in your marriage. Make sure your actions and what you say, line up. This is all about trust. Rebuilding trust takes time and patience. It requires that both parties have patience. When your actions line up with what you say, it becomes much easier for the offended to break down those walls. This is where I’ve drawn a line in the sand. Have you ever heard the saying “You can’t cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water”? Well this is it! Showing that your actions will line up with what you say is step one of taking responsibility of your actions. This is something my husband has displayed in the last month or so. It’s been good seeing the effort. Lastly, PRAY! Pray without ceasing!
In short, rebuilding and reconnecting can be fun. Be okay with being open with each other. Make trust your happy place again.
Note to self: You are worth the sacrifice.